The Melonellum is law. Conte: “The Court will rewrite it.” Rixi warns: “Mattarella won’t let us vote any sooner.”

Expectations of mavericks were replaced by loyal voters. The Melonellum is now law: 227 in favour, 164 against, and six FdI lookouts squinting in search of traitors, scoundrels, witches and sleeping Vannacciani supporters. Galeazzo Bignami makes a superstitious gesture; Elly Schlein pinches her nose, while Luigi Marattin, the penultimate speaker, draws the final round of applause: “I apologise for delaying this moment of peak viewing figures.” The vote is taken. With the results screen closed, the right says: “Under the table, under the table – the Renzi supporters voted with us too.” On the left, Lorenzo Guerini reflects, “Under, under, with them – the Vannacci supporters have voted too.” The session concluded without surprises, and now begins the ordeal of the broad coalition, the search for a judge in Berlin, the Constitutional Court, hands clasped “because perhaps Mattarella might…”. MPs pushing the timetable are peddling dates: “We’ll vote on 6 or 20 June.” Tony Tajani, hounded by reporters and the evil eye (the skirts, the wars and Schifani in Sicily), replies that “we’ll vote when the term naturally expires”. We need a League member. Let’s hear from Edoardo Rixi, Salvini’s deputy, the League’s intellectual, the sailor: “Are you sure Mattarella will let us vote without combining the local elections? Are you sure the Constitutional Court will rule in our favour?”. Who better to answer this question than Conte, the people’s lawyer? Mr President, we urgently need a ‘Conte-style’ opinion: “With pleasure. Listen. The Court may strike down the electoral threshold and the rule on signatures.” Brace yourselves: the plague of constitutionalists is coming, the Zagrebelskys with their panettone: the Constitution with candied fruit and raisins. (Caruso continues in insert VIII)

These are moments of utterly negligible unhappiness. The number of reporters sent to the Chamber of Deputies is dwindling, and the few remaining are all rushing off to Qn, to Mario Orfeo and Leonardo Maria Del Vecchio (among the perks: a weekend at Twiga and an annual supply of Fiuggi water). Minister Casellati is stopped at the entrance to the Chamber; she still remembers the malicious hand of the renegades when she was a candidate for President of the Republic. Minister, is there a risk? Casellati, the minister with the camellias, replies: “It would be sad if someone were to betray us. I’ve been through it myself.” Minister, if the Court were to reject it, are you prepared to rewrite the Melonellum? The minister with the camellias adds: “We’ll have to see what the Court changes. Let’s see, let’s wait.” Bets are on that the section concerning the number of signatures required to stand for election will be struck down, just as bets are being placed on the number of voters – the ‘Melonellati’. Walter Rizzetto, secretary of FdI in Friuli-Venezia Giulia, is predicting a figure in the range of 225–230.

The wild card is the ‘Vannaccians’ – those who have defected from Meloni. Fazzolari would send them to a CPR, and Lollobrigida to pick tomatoes in Pachino. Ziello, Vannacci’s deputy, steps in, proposing ‘serious dialogue’ to Meloni. From Messina, Cateno De Luca’s men—known as “Scateno”—call to inform us that “the mayor will sign an agreement with Meloni, and Meloni will lend some MPs to help him stand for election.” That would be an extra one and a half points, and there is always hope in Conte’s efforts and the protests of his supporters. A review of local M5S noticeboards and posts confirms this sentiment. One reads: “The fascists and the fake left-wingers from the PD and Renzi’s camp, who want to fund wars and weapons by implementing the same policy as Meloni, are not for us. We’ll go it alone. The only progressive government I can see is M5S + AVS”. Conte and Schlein’s explanations of vote are listened to like the sales pitches from call centres offering to switch you to a new tariff. Conte speaks and reminds Meloni (who isn’t there) that the M5S, the people of Nova – 17,000 voters – have proposals… and that the rule on signatures is a violation of civil liberties. Doing the maths, this great body of people – 17,000 – amounts to around 200 voters per province, but given that the situation is grave and the law is clearly “a scam”, as the opposition complains, we dare not point this out too quietly.

Everything has turned yellow, as Occhiuto would say, and the carnival atmosphere has turned yellow too. Conte shows photos of Scarpinato with Falcone and Borsellino, and then one of Delmastro with his mates at the steakhouse. The journalists climbing up to the gallery call out to their colleagues still below and pass on photographs: “Is that a lookout?” Schlein points the finger at the FdI ‘colonels’ – as she calls them – who have moved to the back row: Kelany, Filini, Donzelli, Montaruli, Gemmato, Gardini. It is Donzelli who delivers the speech full of subtext, the manifesto for the coming months. He quotes Bossi and Tatarella (“We shall enter the Third Republic with a democracy attentive to the regions, as Umberto Bossi intended”). Gianni Cuperlo listens to him and places him amongst the greats: “Donzelli stands between De Gasperi and Calamandrei. He also quoted Mortati. I’d say: from Mortati to the moribund.” It’s a done deal, of course, as Meloni writes on social media (“the centre-right is reintroducing the preferential vote, which has been absent for over thirty years. We are united, solid… let’s keep it up”), but now we need to work out who will be the lead candidate. 

Will Antonio Angelucci, a Lega MP, be re-nominated as lead candidate, or will he have to stand for election on a preferential basis? Giulio Tremonti walks past, at his usual slow pace, and we ask him: “Professor, are you standing for re-election?” Tremonti replies: “I don’t understand…”, and walks away. Meloni, in Ascoli Piceno, says she isn’t concerned with “surreal debates” or the election date, and that we’ll get to the end eventually, though every day feels like the end of the world. Mattarella is the real referee, the advocate for Salvini and Tajani, the allies who need another ten months, if only to heal their wounds or… Listen to Rixi: “The Bridge? They won’t let us build it. We must remain in government until the very last day.” They are comfortable in the role of underdogs. Schlein is wrong to think they are doing everything they can to win; on the contrary, they wish to demonstrate that five years have not compromised them, that they can even relinquish power. They take satisfaction in uttering this phrase, which they regard as a mark of true strength. It is Rixi’s phrase: “Sometimes it’s better to lose.”