The ‘internalised patriarchy’ that infects everyone, even poor El-Sayed

It is instructive, from time to time, to observe the fissures through which what we now call ‘patriarchy’ surfaces – a term whose precise meaning remains elusive, yet which functions somewhat like Pavlov’s reflex: it occurs automatically, and has been ingrained in us for so many centuries that efforts to eradicate it never succeed as fully as they ought. Even within the chat groups of ‘certified’ feminists, one eventually encounters a slip-up, a joke, or a nickname, and it becomes clear that the issue is not one of left versus right; it is neither politics nor ethics. It is a retrograde force of gravity that afflicts nearly everyone, including those who deny it and claim to have been cured.

My own personal translation of ‘internalised patriarchy’ – the only one I can bring myself to accept – is: ‘strangely finding oneself thinking, at times, the very same things my grandmother would have said’ – we know it happens to everyone, so let us not cast stones, whether first or last, and certainly not in this context. We try to correct ourselves; we turn on the instigator as soon as we can as a form of exorcism, but we must be honest and admit that we have not become quite that modern yet. The latest high-profile victim of this imaginary affliction is Abdul El-Sayed, the talented and handsome (he looks like an actor) figure from the latest crop of American Democratic superheroes, the son of Egyptian immigrants, a doctor, a senator-elect in Michigan – down-to-earth, intelligent, sporty and with a gentle smile. Just over forty years old, he inspires genuine hope even in his TikTok videos. He had everything it takes to succeed – and indeed he did, receiving, moreover, one of Obama’s finest endorsement speeches.

Abdul did not err except for a comma; the incident occurred two days ago. It may have been fatigue, a lack of sleep (like a cold, it’s there, in that weakness where the patriarchy of phrases lurks), but the fact is that during the inauguration ceremony he put it badly: ‘I’d like to thank my beautiful wife for staying at home to look after my daughters.’ While I was away from home night after night, I knew they would be well taken care of—thank goodness Mum was at home. My grandmother would have been so proud—look at the great women behind great men! And she would have voted for him too. ‘Thank you for all your time at home’: a seriously sexist backhanded compliment or no big deal? In my opinion, it’s no big deal, but there’s still a long way to go to achieve truly ‘woke’ perfection in terms of content – the kind of perfection that someone who has often denounced the ‘woke’ movement (we-are-the-righteous-every-minute) as a dangerous drift would recognise.

Reflecting on Obama’s rhetorical style, his remarks about Michelle have consistently been measured with precision: “I wouldn’t be here tonight without the unwavering support of my best friend, the rock of our family and the love of my life.” From his 2008 victory speech. “For twenty-five years, you have not just been my wife and the mother of my daughters. You have been my best friend. You have made me proud. You have made our country proud” – from his farewell speech at the White House. For at least twenty years, we have witnessed a consistent editorial line: if I am Barack the cool guy, she is a hundred times better than me. So let us welcome with relief this slight slip-up in Michigan – hardly anyone noticed it – and perhaps it really is a sign of a new era dawning before us, and, for the first time in ten years, one that does not look like a chasm. We need that: a new world, preferably one where much more importance is placed on actions than on words.