It takes just three steps to make sense of this struggling Milan side

Although I have been compelled to watch Serie A matches for years, I must confess that I was not prepared for the spectacle I witnessed this week. My lack of familiarity with certain practices had led me into oblivion – a sweet oblivion, given the bitterness I felt upon seeing what I was ultimately forced to witness. I am, of course, referring to the Europa League, or rather what remains of it after the gutting of what was once a decent cup competition.

Having barely survived the Stuttgart v Viking match, I must admit I came very close to suicide – assisted or otherwise – when I found myself faced with OFI v Hoffenheim, Omonia v Celta, and Lillestrøm v Torreense (the latter a team from the Portuguese Second Division which, by choice, has been operating a zero-euro transfer policy for years – just imagine the spectacle). Even Juventus v NEC proved challenging, and the victories of Crystal Palace and Bournemouth did little to soothe the wounds of my passionate heart. If the Champions League’s ‘super group’ stage has already managed to turn fixtures like Real Madrid v Inter and Liverpool v Atlético Madrid into yawn-inducing affairs, someone should resurrect Dante Alighieri to have him add a canto to Inferno, entirely dedicated to those taking to the pitch in this competition: teams and players even less well-known than those on the ‘Campo Largo’ programme in Italy, a pace reminiscent of a summer friendly, half-empty stands everywhere – or filled only thanks to rock-bottom ticket prices – hideous goals, an almost total lack of tactical ideas, unsightly hairstyles, goalkeepers fluttering about like butterflies, and sloppy play straight out of a suburban football pitch.

Why all this? I understand UEFA’s eagerness to increase the number of matches played, under the illusion that some idiot who pays to watch Viktoria Plzen v USG on TV will turn up somewhere, but why turn the successor to the UEFA Cup into a gathering of listless half-baked amateurs? What economic benefits would all this bring, and to whom? Certainly not to me, as I would much prefer to take a drone photograph of myself in bed than drink brandy while watching this shambles. I am also referring to Milan v Benfica, of course, with that hint of Champions League nights that had deluded the connoisseurs on Wednesday evening. Then all it took was seeing three consecutive passes from the Rossoneri (when they managed to string them together) to realise that the only thing Champions League-like about it was the nostalgic patch on the shirts of the team that once belonged to Berlusconi.

Turning to the matter of shirts, it is worth noting the evident hypocrisy of those who have been arguing for days that Mbappé and his colleagues were right not to wear the solidarity shirt supporting the residents of Ceuta, who have been overwhelmed by migrants – a shirt worn by numerous La Liga teams: ‘After all, players shouldn’t be forced to support messages or initiatives they don’t believe in; long live freedom of opinion,’ they tell us. I shall therefore await the responses when the first footballer announces he does not wish to wear the rainbow-themed material on his shirt. It will be interesting to observe whether the freedom to act as one chooses will still be in vogue.