The Ascension according to looksmaxxer Clavicular, who was arrested for rape

Somewhat out of season compared to the liturgical calendar, the summer just gone was the ‘Summer of the Ascension’, at least for the lads who follow influencers on social media who offer advice on how to improve one’s appearance – in slang, it’s called ‘looksmaxxing’. The undisputed champion is Clavicular, a 20-year-old from New Jersey who has a perfect body and a face that looks as though it were AI-generated by a dreamy teenager in the throes of a hormonal crisis. Fresh from his arrest two days ago, on charges of rape, he also faces controversy over his use of steroids since the age of 14, allegations that he scams fans by charging for meetings he doesn’t attend, another arrest for affray and/or an overdose, rumours of homosexuality, as well as the most damning accusation a ‘looksmaxxer’ could face: that he isn’t ‘looksmaxxing’ enough. He responded to all this with posts written in a barrage of capital letters worthy of Donald Trump and, above all, by re-emphasising the purpose of his endeavour, which was no longer merely ‘looksmaxxing’ but a comprehensive ‘lifemaxxing’ – an improvement in one’s individual life which Clavicular himself, between a selfie and a police mugshot, summed up in a single word: Ascension.

One must consider the context in which the theological term was chosen. Clavicular describes himself as Catholic, and there is no reason to doubt that he considers himself as such or, at the very least, belongs to that culture and uses that vocabulary. Behind the scenes, however, Clavicular is one of the unsung heroes of the American right – you’re wondering, and the answer is yes: he seems to be what J. D. Vance would be, if only he could transform himself into a super-hot twenty-something – and, amongst his million or so followers, there’s no shortage of misogynists, incels (whom we used to call losers) and outright Nazis abound, so much so that Clavicular himself was kicked out of a party in Miami for dancing to Kanye West’s ‘Heil Hitler’ – or whatever it’s called now – alongside, of course, his British counterpart, the infamous Andrew Tate. His ‘muscular Catholicism’ is therefore a phenomenon we expect to see mindlessly replicated in that perpetual Italian-style farce that is the far right in our part of the world.

The Ascension, therefore, is a journey of physical sacrifice, ranging from extreme diets to injecting oneself with who knows what, with the aim of climbing the supposed hierarchy that runs from ugly and undesirable people to beautiful and desirable ones. It is significant that this process of beautification is associated with Christ’s passage from earth to heaven: this transition in anthropological status, according to Clavicular, can only be achieved through suffering, of which he himself has set a prime example by hammering his jaws in order to alter the contour of his face, or by taking so many steroids as to sacrifice – we do not know whether also the size and function, but certainly the fertility – of his reproductive system. Needless to say, theologians and, more generally, true Catholics, when questioned on the matter by various publications, do not approve of either the letter or the spirit of Clavicular’s recommendations.

And yet, suffering as Christ did, chaste as Christ was, the ‘looksmaxxers’ seek to emulate him in redeeming the fate of the human race, just as their famous and unwitting predecessor did for original sin. By ascending to heaven, he in fact brought the circle of man’s creation full circle, giving new meaning to the existence of our species and becoming what theologians called ‘the new Adam’. This is why, in old paintings, the skull of our forefather lies at the foot of the cross: by sacrificing himself, Christ conquered the death that Adam had brought into this world by eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:17: ‘For in the day that you eat of it, you shall surely die’). By contrast, the new Adam of the ‘looksmaxxers’ is a figure who spends his life abstaining from food, exercising, and flexing his jaw to arouse the desires of women with whom he does not mate, until he dies without rising again. Perhaps it is wiser to stick with the original.