Brands of patriarchy. The Mediterranean one and beyond. Misogyny takes many new forms

Poor Vannacci: this was supposed to be his summer, his alone, but instead the Ranucci-Lavitola affair has stolen the limelight – without a shadow of a doubt the best Italian-style comedy in many years. And so the former general finds himself forced to spout ever-greater nonsense every day, far greater than usual (and therefore enormous): a week ago, he released the ‘Futuro Nazionale’ programme, which reads like a parody – as do most ‘serious’ things these days. Of the barrage of nonsense it contains – from ‘remigration’ to citizenship after twenty years, subject to ‘signing a declaration of assimilation into Greek, Roman and Christian civilisation’ (the sort of thing not even a Latin teacher at a classical grammar school would come up with) – many have quite rightly focused on the concept of the ‘Mediterranean patriarchy’, which, according to Vannacci, produces ‘strong men’ capable of controlling their emotions and passions (but not their sphincters?), protecting women and society (from what is not specified: the danger is ever-present but vague, like the frantic thoughts of an anxious mother).

I do recognise, however, that there is a stroke of genius here: regardless of one’s ideological stance, ‘patriarchy’ is a word that now sounds off-putting to everyone; it is threatening or, at best, tedious. Just like ‘diet’: nobody wants to go on a diet; it smacks of sacrifice and gloom – not to mention hunger, a great deal of hunger. But if you say ‘Mediterranean diet’, your appetite is immediately whetted: it conjures up lunches by the sea, sunshine, friends, love, health and the joy of living. Vannacci is therefore attempting a marketing ploy: patriarchy, yes, but Mediterranean. What sets it apart from the traditional sort? In Mediterranean patriarchy, men still beat women, but with rosemary; women are not only subordinate to men, but they come after even buffalo-milk braids; in all public and private spheres, men hold and exercise their authority solely by virtue of being men, but with a drizzle of olive oil and a pinch of oregano. In short, it’s still the same old rubbish, but ‘Mediterranean’, so it helps prevent diabetes, promotes longevity and weight control, and is good for the heart. It’s patriarchy, but with the scent of Sicilian citrus fruits. Like all marketing campaigns, it may be all the rage for a while but will be short-lived: people get bored quickly and immediately want something new. I will spare the former general the use of AI, and I will suggest to him the future rebranding of patriarchy:

1) zero patriarchy: no sugar, zero calories and zero alcohol (so you don’t even have the excuse that you were drunk when you said or did certain things).

2) Green patriarchy: always beat up your wives and girlfriends, but out in the countryside. And when you commit femicide, bury the body straight away in the ground (so it acts as fertiliser) and plant a tree on top of it.

3) vegan patriarchy: treat animals better than women.

4) Patriarchy-free: unlimited insults, harassment and raising your hands at everyone, without any reaction (react only when she doesn’t reply: where is she? Who is she with?)

5) Pacifist patriarchy: no weapons for Ukrainian women – only for men, and only to shoot at women.

6) ‘Slow Living’ or ‘slow life’: taking a break from it all, digital detox, mindfulness – the ‘me’ but not ‘calm’, stress-free – to rediscover the value of time and personal wellbeing. Masculine, of course.