Bettini’s birthday in a former PCI section, featuring the ‘spezzatino’, Conte, Gualtieri and Franceschini

One day you’ll understand the meaning: it all began like this, on 5 November. Call it the ‘stew pact’. These are dress rehearsals for Goffredo Bettini as President of the Republic: a cuirassier and a hammer. The monk, the ideologue of the ‘Campo Largo’, turns 74, and a Trotskyist pastry chef – just as Nanni Moretti dreamt – gatecrashes the party of the century for Il Foglio. The guest list ranges from ‘C’ for Conte to ‘V’ for Beppe Vacca, and includes Manfredi, Franceschini, Rutelli and Palombelli, Salvo Nastasi and Gualtieri, and even Tosca—the singer. Toasts are already being raised to Chigi: “We must prepare to win! And we will win.” Happy Goffredo birthday.

The Trotskyist pastry chef whom director Moretti dreamt of featuring in a documentary (Veltroni should not be informed, or he will apply for a tax credit), a pastry chef who reads Il Fogliuzzo in the evenings, tells us the location and nature of the event: “Bettini’s birthday in Garbatella”. It’s 74 years of Pasolini, Rinascita, and the PCI. From Ingrao to Alessandro Onorato – oops! – from Natta to this deep Melonian night, which Bettini will, however, defeat alongside Cavalier Conte and the Campo Largo band. So, where is it being held, dear pastry chef? “I’d like to let you know that the party is being held at Villetta Social Lab, a former PCI branch, in enemy territory, in the Melonian neighbourhood, at 3 Via degli Armatori.” As the editor and founder taught us, first and foremost: style.

Is a text message or a phone call to Bettini more appropriate? It is 9 a.m. and we also need to prepare a government article (a somewhat tedious task), so we opt for a message of good wishes and a cheeky question for Goffredone: “So, what lovely things are you up to today?”. We also add three small hearts—they always convey a measure of warmth on the left. Goffredo’s reply follows: “You know I don’t do anything social all year round, but today I’m with friends and I’d like the private nature of my birthday to be respected.” We are not making any progress. We still need the Trotskyist pastry chef, who has meanwhile arrived in the kitchen and put on his apron: “And he calls them friends? Do you know how many there are?” How many, dear pastry chef? “There’ll be about two hundred. I’ll give you a brief update between courses and hand over the list of the big names at the table.”

"Seated at the table with Goffredone are Conte, Franceschini, Andrea Orlando, Nastasi, Mayor Manfredi, Zingaretti and Onorato. Ah, let me have a closer look. Claudio Mancini, Rome’s ‘acatapano’, is there too, as are Rutelli and his wife Palombelli – a gorgeous couple.” But are there any journalists? “I fear there might be a few, but don’t give a hoot about them. As Peppino Sottile teaches us, journalism is impressionism. It’s not the cherry tree that counts, but the jam.” This pastry chef deserves a deputy editorship at Leonardino Maria Del Vecchio’s Qn (he’s rented out the whole GNAMC and positioned the sofas and wine glasses beneath Michele Cammarano’s The Battle of San Martino).

We have learned that the venue is indeed a former Italian Communist Party (PCI) headquarters—the most flamboyant one—and that the organisation of the event has been entirely entrusted to Massimiliano Smeriglio, a councillor for the City of Rome, with the menu consisting of lasagne, stew and cake. Another rumour indicates that Elly Schlein was apparently invited, but she is focusing exclusively on the primaries and on identifying Mattarella’s successor: who shall we send to the Colle? Cuperlo, Laura Boldrini or Bettini? A phone call from the pastry chef interrupts: “They’re actually talking about the primaries. Goffredone says: we must get on with the primaries, hold them straight away”. And what does Franceschini have to say? The pastry chef: “Dario says not everyone can stand in the primaries; it would be a real mess. But Conte replied calmly: ‘Don’t worry. Dear Dario, we’ll sort it out. Bettini was born to be a special envoy and negotiate peace with Putin.’ I’ll ring you back as soon as I’ve cleared away the first course.”

We are urgently taking notes while reading the draft agenda for the Council of Ministers (birthdays always add a touch of charm) and while we are informed that Romeo, the League’s group leader, may convene the assembly within hours to put a motion of no confidence to the vote. The second call comes in: “Right, more news: a wonderful speech by Goffredone. Ah, I nearly forgot, the actress Michela Cescon is there too. Goffredo praises her magazine, Rinascita. He calls it ‘the highlight of this year’.” And Onorato, his centrist protégé? “More fine words. He says Onorato is the great new development.” But come on, pastry chef, I gather there’s a buzz at Chigi, a joyful wartime pastry shop – am I right? “More than that. I heard Goffredone blowing his horn and saying: ‘This right-wing lot needs to be sent packing.’ With Trump, Meloni’s taken a massive beating. I’ll give you another call after the stew. You could call it the ‘stew pact’. Wasn’t that how it was done in the glorious days of Minzolini? I’m heading back to the kitchen now.” There is no doubt about it.

There is a sense of a free-for-all even without Schlein. We need to investigate Conte’s loyalty. The next time he calls, we must ask straight away whether Conte is plotting any ambushes after the primaries. But let us take another look at the guest list. Elly is absent (she will be trying on her gown for the swearing-in ceremony), and Veltroni is absent too (is he writing a screenplay or a column?). The phone rings. "Pastry chef," I ask, "has Conte mentioned the post-primaries situation?" "Now that I think about it, yes," the chef replies. "Goffredo called for unity because we need to elect the next President of the Republic." I note that Bettini is also in the running… "But it seems clear to me!" the pastry chef continues. "Boldrini, Cuperlo, Rosy Bindi and then, trailing behind, Anna Finocchiaro." And Conte? “Conte replied to Goffredo: ‘Don’t worry. Whoever loses in the primaries will work for the other.’ I forgot to mention there’s a chap called Maraio. Do you know him?” It’s the socialist from Campo Largo, Enzo Maraio. “He may be Maraio, but I’m a Trotskyist.”

Pastry chef, but come on, are we going to win? “What sort of questions are these? I’ve been reporting on an event that goes beyond a birthday. On 5 November, the foundations were laid for the Coso I government. I don’t know who they’re putting forward as prime minister, but believe me, they’re already convinced that Meloni will be shown the door and that they’ll paint Palazzo Chigi red – and dye Lollobrigida’s hair red too.” Pastry chef, is there any stew left? “They’ve polished off everything, even the cake.” When Schlein is sworn in, remember this day. We’ve been searching for the right formula: a broad coalition, a progressive alliance – and then, as usual, along came Bettini and his birthday to set the record straight. Unity is possible: all it takes is some stew.